Confusion

Pain. Condequences. Goodbye. Crushed. Alone. Unhappy.
Simple words with momumental side effects.

Resilient. Stride. Strength. Pride. Survivor. Hello.
Another set of words the evidence of continuance.

Recently Ive been fluctuating thru the two set of words as easily as the tide ebbs.

wordweight

Nouns, verbs, adverbs, adjectives, subjects, predicates, coma's, semicolons, periods to name a few. The afformentioned combine in any given way, @ any given time can change your world before u have a chance to exhale. Ive always had a certain fascination for the art that was until 7 days ago. I recieved an email that altered my existance in paragraph. Periods used like paperweights, anger poured from each letter and vengence dripped from each sentence. Total obliteration by the end I seemed to have held my breathe as I read and re read the shattering of my existance. You kno the saying that says "someday you'll look back on this and laugh?" this aint one of those things. Other people are convinced that this story has another chapter, some say close the book, some say well just pull a waiting to exhale burn every damn thing! Yet I have done nothing but read and re read. Maybe one day soon hopefully I'll find a way to cope without tears, migraines and black n milds. As dycombobulated and arythmic as this entry is thats how i feel so I have no desire to edit it...sry...

To 30 More

Today is my parents 30th anniversary. And somehow it seems to be hurting me. In this day and age many individuals my age arent blessed with examples of continual married bliss. I was fortunate to be from day 1 in my immediate household n in the extended family. My Grandparents reached 50 years before my grandfather passed. So I guess it is embedded in me that when I get married it for keeps kinda thing.
I thought I met that with my ex. My perfect companion for forever. We seemed to get each other and know how to deal with each other with such ease that others around us wanted the same thing! Remember one his best friend said there was a "Ying-Yang Factor" I saw saw my forever in each and every kiss, carress, touch and even in the arguments. But it rang true every morning when I woke up next to him. And that was the feeling I had gotten from the first time we slept together fully clothed til pride and shame played no role n we slept wrapped in each others skin with the help of comforters. It seemed to be the "destiny type thing" Darius Lovehall told Nina Mosely that they had. Even breakups instituted by us did little to keep up apart. LMAO. But now hes gone and love has once again become a mirage, an ever elusive concept concieved by Hudini n his cohorts. Im done chasing it, looking for it or even wanting it. We all werent made to be loved. In the West Indies we have this sayin "Every bread has its butter" but apparently Im jus dry ass bread meant to be eaten alone.
Yet in all my misery I still wish my parents another 30. Of the laughter, fun n music I was raised around. Another 30 of a bond that nothing could dissolve not even themselves. Another 30 to living, laughter and loving for the happy couple.

Don't take my silence for stupidity
Nor my kindness for weakness
Truth be told between the 2 is actually were my strength lies.
Don't worry sweetheart I got your little messages
I read between the lines
So when my mood seems the same
And my actions don't change
Its not because I'm stupid or I don't hear or know
Sometimes just sometimes your heart continues to beat
And your soul continues to grow
No matter where or when
In the icebox you are thrown....




(April 22, 2009)

Old Stuff (2)

Bound by unexplainable fears...
Grounded by ever present need...
Incased by unrequited love...
Shaken by insecurities that run so deep...
Alone by default.






(September 28, 2008)

Old Stuff (1)

a house of delicately built cards finally met a wind that it couldn't stand up against. with a foundation of friendship sprinkled with love I was sure that this 1 couldn't fail. it was also my last effort at the ever elusive pursuit of happiness. don't think I'm ever going to be a recipient of that one particular characteristic, been broken 1 to many times and this time its left me shattered. there's no rebuilding, no wishing, hoping or praying for it, its just gone. this sad fact I've come to acknowledge, understand and accept. what's the exact point of fighting a loosing battle? its like bringing a box cutter to a gun fight. you might be quick enough to take 1 or 2 down but eventually you become a target that's forced 2 absorb bullet after bullet til you no longer stand. maybe its me. my last attempt has drained the life out of me. a coincidental statement reminiscent of the past yet completely different. I gave what I could and what I didn't know I had to give, yet it still wasn't enough. so y keep trying? y consistently, continuously and unconditionally give love when what's being received is intermittent, sporadic and comes with an 10 month limited warrantee? he whom shall forever remain nameless brought out of me a side I didn't know existed...a kind, compassionate, endlessly patient, jealous, slightly insecure person. 2 out of the 5 characteristics I just named I never knew was there, the other 3 never been applied to a male unless a patient needing care. for becoming this person I resent him simply because it all meant nothing. to him I wish him the best life, love and happiness can bring cause he despite our fall is worthy of that and so much more but as for me: a cynic is born and her name is Jay.


(Sunday, march 22, 2009)

Old stuff

i resign...

there is no fight left
no will to go on
i wouldnt consider myself a quitter
jus aware on when its time to give up
so calmly ill go
theres no real way to explain it
there are no what ifs or maybes
simply put good bye.



(October 15, 2009)