a house of delicately built cards finally met a wind that it couldn't stand up against. with a foundation of friendship sprinkled with love I was sure that this 1 couldn't fail. it was also my last effort at the ever elusive pursuit of happiness. don't think I'm ever going to be a recipient of that one particular characteristic, been broken 1 to many times and this time its left me shattered. there's no rebuilding, no wishing, hoping or praying for it, its just gone. this sad fact I've come to acknowledge, understand and accept. what's the exact point of fighting a loosing battle? its like bringing a box cutter to a gun fight. you might be quick enough to take 1 or 2 down but eventually you become a target that's forced 2 absorb bullet after bullet til you no longer stand. maybe its me. my last attempt has drained the life out of me. a coincidental statement reminiscent of the past yet completely different. I gave what I could and what I didn't know I had to give, yet it still wasn't enough. so y keep trying? y consistently, continuously and unconditionally give love when what's being received is intermittent, sporadic and comes with an 10 month limited warrantee? he whom shall forever remain nameless brought out of me a side I didn't know existed...a kind, compassionate, endlessly patient, jealous, slightly insecure person. 2 out of the 5 characteristics I just named I never knew was there, the other 3 never been applied to a male unless a patient needing care. for becoming this person I resent him simply because it all meant nothing. to him I wish him the best life, love and happiness can bring cause he despite our fall is worthy of that and so much more but as for me: a cynic is born and her name is Jay.
(Sunday, march 22, 2009)
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